I was always quiet at work, doing my own thing in my tiny cubicle (which is just a few steps from my boss’s glass encased office–so you know why I stay quiet in my place 80% of the time). From time to time I would go around the production floor tending to my colleagues’s ArchiCAD-related issues (and for some strange reason, even IT-related problems). It would give me an opportunity to interact with them, make small talk and catch up on some topics that are not work-related. But today, I was more than my 80% of quietness. I stayed in my seat, save for the few minutes I spent in my boss’s office for a quick discussion and that was it.
Solitude has always been my favorite therapy. I’m normally a chatty and highly opinionated person. People like me tend to get too overwhelming for others. But I find that as I get older, I start to prefer quiet and intimate conversations. I prefer silent musings–and my, am I the most talkative person in my head! But really, keeping quiet helps you gain focus. You get to navigate through all those white noises, focus on your thoughts and organize them: How do I want this situation to end? How do I get this situation fix itself? What should I do? Uhm…What should I wear to our Annual Dinner? The questions go on and you find that after being quiet in your thoughts, you have an answer to every single little thing.
My question to myself this afternoon was: What do I want out of my relationship? Jason and I fight like normal couples do and the issues vary from something so mundane to something so significant. I’m not gonna say what we fought about. I’m gonna say how we settled it…quietly. I realize that when you give each other space to vent out the anger separately, you reduce the number of hurtful words you end up saying to each other during a fight. I also realize that sometimes in your anger, you get irrational. Taking time out, helps you rationalize. You get to say why you’re mad/hurt in logical manner–not totally devoid of emotions but less hateful and bitter. In that way, your argument is validated and doesn’t sound petty. Nope, we still end up saying things we will probably regret saying but it wasn’t as bad. At the end of the day, I get to answer my question: I want permanence. I want something that no vows nor any legal documents can hold. And that’s love. Love always win. Not ego. Not pride. Not your own selfish reasons for being in a relationship.
All this we achieve by being with our own selves in solitude. Like what I’m doing now. I’m not really alone, I’m with a laptop and a shot of D.O.M. and for some weird reason, I’m actually enjoying it. Everything that you have read so far are words of wisdom that come from 40% alcohol.